FROM THE PASTOR’S HEART
OP/ ED BY DR. ROBERT KENNEDY
I was just about burnt out. That was how I felt after several interventions into a broken family situation. On many occasions, my wife and I drove several miles to sit with the father and mother, who had come to a point where they were very hostile towards each other.
In our view, each is equally responsible for the breakdown of the relationship. The husband had been cheating, and the wife would say the harshest things that came to her mouth to let him know of her disgust. Could we blame her? She had all the evidence to prove her husband’s behavior. Although he constantly denied her accusations and dismissed them as jealousy on her part. However, things turned out to be as she said.
The children, who were now young adults, some who could get married if they chose to, were all caught up in the struggle. They were taking sides, primarily defending their mother. The son was fiercely protecting his mom from the abuse of his father. And the father was playing the game, complaining about the attack from his children while at the same time trying to gain the daughters’ attention. It was apparent that what the father was trying to do would not work because the daughters, too, saw the hurt their father was giving to their mother.
My wife and I tried various strategies to persuade the husband to escape his extramarital affair but to no avail. We sent notes of encouragement to both wife and husband and assured them that we were praying for them and wanted to do all we could for their restoration. We advised the family to seek counseling beyond what we could give. They went a few times but insisted that their hurts were too deep. The husband perhaps thought the counselor was biased, so he argued that it was best to separate and divorce. He initiated the divorce, although it turned on him.
My wife and I watched through the divorce period and continued to assure the couple and family that we loved them, and that God was watching over them amid all the hurt they were causing each other. We did all we could to maintain our relationship with the whole family, for we know that one cannot take sides because, at the end of the bitter days of separation, there comes a time when the family will need to heal through forgiveness and for such, we might need to be available.
As I write, we have seen the process of forgiveness in many of the broken families and the scenario we laid out above. Let me make four points, namely:
- Without forgiveness, there is no relationship. I wish we could have turned back the hand of the clock to teach all those who have had unresolved conflicts in their marriages or family relationships that forgiveness is necessary to continue all relationships.
- Without forgiveness, there is no personal health. The reality is that forgiveness cleanses the mind, the body, and the soul, ridding them of the decay of negativity, disappointment, and heartache that comes with anger and resentment and the lack of forgiveness caused by any action.
- Without forgiveness, there is no freedom. Not forgiving pollutes your spirit. The Bible says, “Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening?” (James 3:11). If you have unforgiveness, the water in your spirit will become bitter.
- Without forgiveness, there is no forgiveness. It’s biblical, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15 NKJV). Forgiveness affects your prayer life. “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25 NKJV). That means your prayers don’t get answered. That means you can’t experience the full benefits of God’s forgiveness without forgiving others. It means God puts your blessings on hold and waits until you take care of the unfinished business of forgiveness.
If you are struggling with the lack of forgiveness, remember the four benefits above and the numerous others available. At this juncture, my encouragement is that you forgive in whatever circumstance. If you are struggling, ask God to help you learn forgiveness because you cannot forgive alone. Forgiveness is a godlike thing.
