From the Pastor’s Heart OP-ED BY DR. ROBERT KENNEDY
Yesterday, after listening to a grandson in dialogue with my wife (his grandmother) and a mother who prayed in our early morning prayer call this morning, I must return to the subject I hear everywhere, namely loneliness.
Our grandson told his grandmother that he is just tired of the Zoom platform and did not feel like he wanted to do any more schoolwork. He said explicitly, “I feel tired and isolated from my friends.” His grandmother, the retired schoolteacher, took the time to listen to him and then assured him that the school year would soon be over, and things would become better.
She reminded him that he was blessed to have his parents and brother with him. She also assured him that she was there for him and that he could call on her any day for any needed help, and that we look forward to him spending every Wednesday with us when his parents have to be attending to other activities.
Because we understand the pandemic challenges, whenever he and his brother are with us, we try to find ways of doing novel things to break any feelings of isolation. And we do our best to explain that the loneliness is not to continue forever.
Psychologists argue that the emotional distress of being left alone acts as an alarm bell and motivates us to draw others close and hold on – literally for dear life. The children feel that they need to cling to their caregivers no matter what, or else they will be abandoned. They feel fearful, unconnected, unmotivated, powerless, and for many, it’s depression.
What our grandson said and what the mother who prayed on our prayer line express is not unique. There are many people around us who are feeling a sense of loneliness. Some feel it more intensely because for more than a year now, the Covid-19 pandemic is raging. Will the passing of the Covid-19 take away the loneliness? Maybe for some persons, but for many others, the feelings will linger a long time.
The background questions for this reflection are: How does one deal with loneliness? How can I help others deal with loneliness? I am focusing on the first question, but I hope that anyone who reads the reflection might find helpful suggestions.
As we all know, every one of us deals with loneliness at varied moments in our lives, even if we are not chronically lonely, we all need some suggestions to deal with loneliness. I will present and expand on a few suggestions, but acknowledge that my list is not comprehensive or in some cases might need fuller expatiations. In any case here is what I offer.
1. Accept that loneliness is a normal phenomenon of life
2. Everyone comes to moments in our lives when we feel lonely
3. Check your feelings when you feel lonely. You might not know why you feel lonely all the time, and you do not want to spend all the time checking your feelings
4. Avoid self-pity – Self-pity can get you more lonely, isolated and depressed
5. Put your experiences into perspective. If you are struggling with too many negative feelings, determine what you need to do to get on the positive side.
6. Resist those feelings that make you rush for immediate relief from your loneliness. Hasty decisions or stop-gap solutions never work. Don’t rush to form relationships that might not be helpful. Resist using drugs or other substances to overcome your feelings.
7. Learn how to use the moments of loneliness for personal growth. I could cite multiple examples of individuals whose loneliness helped them grow, but I will just name Jesus, who took time in loneliness each day to grow. It is said, “Big life changes are often made alone. Time in solitude leads us to realizations that might not be apparent when we’re constantly with others. Having the capacity to be yourself and stand for what you believe in, even if you’re lonely, is necessary if you want to go from a relationship or situation that isn’t working to one that’s more compatible with your needs. There’s often a feeling of loneliness in between letting go of the familiar and reaching with faith for something new.” In your lonely times, you can pray, journalize, take a nature walk, listen to the cicadas, look at the stars, do a piece of art, play an instrument and so on. There is plenty to do.
8. In your lonely times, find a place to volunteer and serve others. You might be surprised what your work in compassion will do for you and those with whom you share.
9. Find some support. You might be one of those who say, I have no friends. I find it hard to build friendships. The bible says, “A man (person) who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24 NKJV).
10. Find a life coach or counselor to help you battle the demons of loneliness.
11. Do not forget the power of prayer – there is a multitude of prayer groups all around. Join a prayer group. Praying together does not only give us access to God but helps us to find support. As you pour out your heart, somebody will hear you and help to support you. It has been true and is still true that “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” (Matthew 18:20).
Remember that it is normal to feel lonely in most circumstances. But in order to avoid becoming chronically lonely, you must seek to be transformed as well as help to others who are seeking to be transformed.
