FROM THE PASTOR’S HEART
OP-ED BY DR. ROBERT KENNEDY
It was quite a day when she stopped by to check on the kinds of things that we were doing in our food pantry and health services to facilitate the community. A very wonderful young woman, or so it appeared. She was exquisitely dressed and seemed to be quite intelligent in her conversation. She had a master’s degree and was even wondering whether she should go on to finish her doctorate.
Our exchange was going very well until, for whatever reason, we touched upon her belief in God. I could see the change as she began to make it clear that she is having trouble seeing God as a father and does not go to any church. Whenever she shared her experience with church folks, she said they liked to talk about forgiveness and point to the Bible command, “Honor your father and your mother.” She did not know exactly where it was taken from, but just for memory, it is all over the Bible but first explicitly stated in Exodus 20:21.
Yes, a little further in the conversation, she said her parents did much God-talk but were negligent, abusive, and unsupportive. Those childhood experiences prevented her from identifying with anything connected with her parents. For her, her parents were totally unavailable; had it not been for her grandmother, she would not be as successful as she is now. Her last words about her early years were, “Every time I hear people use the term parents, it trips something negative in me. I cannot forgive them. I will never forgive them.”
Wow! What this woman expressed is not unique. I have been meeting it more and more, “angry children.” Did I say “angry children?” I did not mean children as little ones; I am also speaking of many adults I meet, women and men, into their middle and older age. They are struggling with parents who have hurt them so badly and for whom they have lost total respect.
We need to empathize with such individuals and understand that many of them are facing long cycles of parental abuse, neglect, and unsupportiveness. They are hurting because, for many generations, their fathers and mothers who have been in negative conditions have just passed on their hurts to the next generation. It is a cycle of hurts.
But the questions each generation must face are “how long can we continue the hurt?” How long are we going to live under the burden of abuse and neglect? How long are we to suffer the curse? Are we to build upon our cycles of hurt and cursedness because we have been wounded and disrespected? How can a person so injured by a parent think of the command to “Honor your father and your mother?”
One thing to do is ask yourself whether you want to continue the cycle of the curse or whether you would wish to build a system of honor? If you want to break the cycle. Here is what I offer also with what I find among many Christian counselors:
- Learn forgiveness. The only way to heal your heart and to heal any broken relationship is to forgive. Forgiveness begins with God, so you can ask God and become a true forgiver.
- Tell yourself that you are going to respect your parents, regardless. Respect is earned. You cannot expect to receive what you do not give. “Honor your father and mother” is not a suggestion but a command. Do it as God has told you to do because God has promised that there is a blessing in doing so. The full command reads, ““Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12 NKJV) Paul emphasizes the promise thus: “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” (Ephesians 6:2-3 NKJV)
- Don’t be mean to those who have sought to abuse and neglect you. A further instruction given by Paul is very relevant here, “Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirsts, give him drink: for in so doing you shall heap coals of fire on his head.” (Romans 12:20 KJV)
- Love your negligent sick, understanding their sickness. Jesus instructed, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44 KJV)
- Don’t concentrate on the negatives of your life. Don’t tell yourself you cannot change your history. Remember, “A merry heart does good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
- Pity the tragic circumstance of any who have hurt you. It is unfortunate that those who hurt have often just been passing on the hurt. Hurt people, hurt people.
- Give honor to whom honor is due. “Render to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor.” (Romans 13:7)
Some time ago, I read a thought and summarized it like this. It takes note that the fifth commandment is the foundation upon which respect for elders and all legitimate authorities is built. The command reflects how God has ordered the universe.
At the top of the order is our heavenly Father, and under our heavenly Father are authorities who are to obey Him. The authorities that follow the creation order are first, mothers and fathers. Under them are children who must obey their fathers and mothers as they obey the heavenly Father. Then, other authorities, governmental and otherwise, follow.
Thus, if there is no respect for fathers and mothers and legitimate earthly authorities’ societies will collapse. There is empirical proof of the tragedy of the disrespect happening daily in homes where children are not required to obey their parents, in neighborhoods where fathers are absent, and many other places. Don’t allow the negatives to rule you.
How much more miserable conditions will get, I cannot say. But I need to say that we are not to be miserable as the world’s conditions would have us be. The words of my favorite author to children who, evidently were not affectionate to their parents, ring loud and clear:
“Children, it is necessary that your mothers love you, or else you would be very unhappy. And is it not also right that children love their parents, and show this love by pleasant looks, pleasant words, and cheerful, hearty cooperation, helping the father out-of-doors and the mother indoors?” (Adventist Home, 295)
The reality is that while parents need to show more respect to their children, show them respect, get them to learn respect by example, and practice respect, children are to do the same, in gratitude. Do all that you need to do and God will bring mutual blessings.
If you are one of those reading this reflection who are still struggling with resentment and disrespect, ask the heavenly Father to heal your heart. Ask him to break the cycle in which you are caught. He will hear you and help you. HEALING IS POSSIBLE. HE CAN MEND ANY BROKEN RELATIONSHIP. HONOR YOUR PARENTS.
