FROM THE PASTOR’S HEART / OP-ED By Dr. Robert Kennedy
I was saddened the day I went to the psychiatric section of the hospital to visit this young teen. Her mother had just started visiting my congregation. At first, she did not come with her mother, but finally, she came, and the members enjoyed her presence.
One morning, I missed them from church; I heard she was fighting with her mother and became so enraged that the police had to be involved in restraining her. The social agencies became involved and recognized that the teen needed sedation and took her to the hospital. At first, the teen was so enraged that she refused all visits, even her mother. I offered to visit her, but the mother said she wasn’t sure if her daughter would see me.
I told the mother it was worth the try, so she gave me permission to go. The next day, I phoned the hospital and announced myself as the teen’s pastor. The hospital checked with the girl if she would accept my visit, and she said “yes.” So, I arranged the time and made the long-distance trip to see her.
On reaching the hospital, I sat in the meeting room as the nurses were arranging for the meeting. I waited for a half-hour before the girl came. And when she saw me, she seemed truly delighted. We talked about many little things and then prayed together. Then I asked, “Did your mother come to see you?” Immediately, the outburst began. She made it clear that she did not want to see her mother, and she stated the reasons:
- Her mother told her she was a “mistake.” Then she asked, “Pastor, how can a mother call her child ‘a mistake’?” “What does she mean that I am a mistake, Pastor?” In the same breath, she said, “I wish she would die. I want to die, I hate her for calling me a mistake.” “Am I a mistake Pastor?”
- Her second complaint was that her mother had left her with an aunt when her mother migrated to another country, and her older cousin molested her. When she reported it to her aunt, the aunt did not believe her. Then her mother cursed at her when she mentioned it. She was really angry that her mother would not accept her word. Again, she burst out, “Pastor, how can a mother not believe her daughter that she was molested? That is why I do not want to see her. She is a wicked woman. I hate her and wish she would die.”
After listening to the outbursts, I realized that I was dealing with something more than I could handle. I tried a little to explain what I thought the mother meant by her being “a mistake” and then apologized for the way she was treated concerning the molestation. I also offered to speak with her mother to help her realize that what her daughter told her was the truth. But, of course, I did not expect to change her mind.
Her mother from all I had seen was dug in. To break the tension, I hung around a few more minutes as the time allowed and we chit-chatted a little more, then I asked if she would allow me to pray. I prayed, and she appeared a little calmer, but as I was leaving, she reminded me that she would not agree for a visit with her mother.
I spoke with the mother, who denied that her daughter was ever molested. She argued that her daughter is angry because she (the mother) did not marry her (the girl’s) father. She was never comfortable in my congregation because she felt I took the girl’s word above hers. When the girl left the hospital, she stopped the girl from attending church. She did not want her to be among the members who she felt were giving the girl too much attention. Finally, the mother stopped attending the church, probably to ensure that no one asked about the daughter.
It’s a very sad story, but it is a reflection of why many children have turned “curses” on their parents. And while I am not going to offer excuses for children who curse their parents, I have said, based on the Bible, “A curse causeless shall not come.” (Proverbs 26:2).
Think about the many parents who have been unavailable for their children. Think of those who shame and blame their children. Think of those who are abusive in the punishment of their children. Think of those who encourage wickedness and strife among their children. Think of those who show favoritism among their children. Think of those who overly control their children. Think of the permissive parents who do not think of their children’s character development. What are they doing? Are they not training their children to be a curse instead of a blessing? Are they not training their children to curse them?
As I said, I am not offering excuses for children to curse their parents. I accept the fifth commandment cited in the Ten Commandments and in so many parts of the Two Testaments of the Bible,“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”
And I am not arguing that parents are responsible for the curse that every child might issue toward a parent. There are rebellious children I know, and regardless of the positive actions of parents, there are children who rebel and curse their parents. Many blame their parents when they do not wish to take responsibility. But I would argue that children reflect what they live, in the majority.
But leaving aside all of the argument about excuses, it is needful for me to remind anyone who is spending time cursing at their parents that each of person must take responsibility for anger, resentment, and lack of forgiveness. If anyone wants to heal, cope and overcome the brokenness of their lives, they must find a way to deal with their negative feelings towards their parents. Although I do not like to use this quote, “God helps those who help themselves,” I think it is useful here, even though it can be easily misunderstood.
Yes, God can remove any negative feelings and give us the healing we need. Jesus words are good for our practice today as they were when he first spoke them, “bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” (Luke 6:28 NIV).
