THE OBSERVATION BOOTH
OP / ED BY ANDREA DIALECT
Today’s subject is one that is quite dear to my heart, as is the woman who has lent herself as the subject matter. Today, I ask that we all, be it parents, relatives, or friends, look between the flames into the eyes of children or even those inner children know as adults. As they bend to blow out those birthday candles, bend to meet their eyes and peer into their souls. Look deeply – hopefully not – but you might just catch sight of those hidden wishes from a heart laden with pain.
BIRTHDAY CANDLES
Feature: Latronia Green
When I look into the flames of my birthday candles of the past, it’s a mixed bag. I ask that you go into yourself and you as your younger self come with me and peer into the flames of my past. At …
Age one… I can’t see. I don’t remember.
Age two… I’m in the crib, and I see me and my Auntie in the crib. We were the same age and were in the crib together.
Age three… I hear music, it just came to my mind when going back into the house. I hear Al Green’s “Love and Happiness” – now ain’t that ironic!
Age four… Something has happened, but I won’t say, for now.
Age five… I’m living on Grove Street in Irvington, and I’m going to Grove Street School. I live with my mom, my three siblings, and my stepfather.
Age six… We still live on Grove, and I still go to Grove Street School, and I look happy. My cousin Channon just flickered in, and me and my Aunt Latisha is sprinkling the flowers throughout the church at his and Cousin Juliet’s (who became Aunt Juliet’s) wedding.
Age seven… Things are vague, and I can’t see much. I see us at Mama Jones’ house, and we are all standing around eating crab and shrimp. I’m playing with two of the girls who are my age. We are having fun running around that monstrous house. It’s a beautiful house, one of those huge colonial-style houses with a big yard front and back.
Age eight… I see myself once again at Mama Jones’ house and it is Thanksgiving. She seems a little mean, but she took care of us. During this time, we lived there in the attic, and no one was allowed in this particular room downstairs, a dining room. It’s a gigantic room with a huge table, I see the lights are out, they are always out. It stayed dark, and we were not allowed in there except on this Thanksgiving Day. Now I see myself lying in bed, and I am sick, and Mama Jones and everybody came up to check on me, they are looking after me. Mama Jones is working her magic with those old remedies, and I’m much better now.
Age nine… Things aren’t good, and we’re moving out. It’s just me, my mother, and my three siblings – Man, Earnest, and Brian – and we are now living at my mother’s grandmother’s house, who is also Latisha’s grandmother and my great-grandmother. My family is now back and forth between living at Nanny’s and my mother’s new boyfriend’s house on 5th Street in Newark.
Age ten… I’m blowing this candle and 448 North Fifth Street is brutally clear. It is the first time that I’m sternly gazing into those flames. That’s when the abuse is happening. I see my mother and I’m watching her as she’s trying to shield herself from those constant blows. I see pain in my brothers’ eyes as they also attempt to shield themselves, although their hands are hogtied as they succumb to the licks of the whip. Yes, he owned a whip, and he’s now sitting in the living room on the couch reading that dark magazine. It’s called “Heavy Metal.” He just came out of the bathroom with it. I looked at it once, twice, or perhaps three times, and each time, just like this time, I shut it fast because something – my spirit – wouldn’t allow me to look.
He has on those glasses; his grey hair is shimmering under the light, as is his beard. The one thing that lingers in my psyche is that black and gold can that he used to shave with called Magic Shave. We come to realize today Andrea and I that is that when she looked, that that smell – I remember now that smell, and I can smell it now – and it looked like clay. Which is so ironic because clay is for molding things, and I am once again peering into that crater face. I just got a little sickly because just now I saw his hand. I feel nauseous now, my heart is racing.
Look at me. I have become their protector despite the blows that I am finally able to look upon as I’m peering into the eyes of that monster. I see me, and I’m crying. That little girl is crying, and I am crying, big me. I feel hot, angry, and confused. I promised myself that today I will feel what I need to feel. I am looking at the pictures of me now as we speak and telling her she’s okay. (The pictures posted here) Little girl, I’m sorry. I look over, and my cat is staring at me like, what’s wrong with you? Farra, I’m okay. The funny part about it is that I am able to look over at Farra and laugh. Me and Andrea are deep belly laughing now. But I’m heading back in.
Age eleven… I can’t wait until you get a little older.” It echoes deep. He said this every time he forced my hands. My younger self is so confused by what he said. What could be the next step after what he had already done? The bad things? He had been grooming me for what? I see her innocence as she lingers in this state of confusion and is grappled by the hands of fear. I can’t remember the timeline. I don’t know if it’s something I blocked out. Because I can’t remember how long this was done. I can’t remember when I told my cousin what was happening, when the real deal occurred, and she told the secret that I had told.
I’m in the bathroom. I’m standing there looking in the mirror. I’m now in the medicine cabinet, and my truth is: it’s not like I really wanted to kill myself, I really wanted the attention. I wanted to up the ante for my mother. I wanted to wake her up. It was killing me. I was saying without saying, you going to let that happen to me? Do you see what’s happening? I have that container in my hand.
I’m in the hospital now. My Aunt Deloris is at the hospital, and she’s taking me home, I live with her now. She introduced me to God during one of our heart-to-hearts and it changed my life. I’m still eleven, and every time when I get down to my lowest, God is there, and the three things that Aunt Deloris told me rush to my mind. It has been my saving grace.
For me, it was so crucial to watch my own kids reach eleven, and they had. It is also so crucial to me that all those children out there who are experiencing such trauma or trauma of any kind make it to and beyond blowing those eleven-year candles to a life beyond pain. Because of my experiences, I can help and support them now!
DO YA KNOW THAT?
What are the 8 childhood traumas?
Neglect and psychological, physical, or sexual abuse. Natural disasters, terrorism, and community and school violence. Witnessing or experiencing intimate partner violence. Commercial sexual exploitation.
At what age is trauma most impactful?
Retrospective studies have also found earlier abuse (before age 5 18, before age 12 19,20,21, or before age 17 22) or trauma (between 4–6 23 and before age 12 19,20) particularly elevates risk for depressive symptoms and major depressive disorder
What are the 10 original ACEs?
The 10 ACEs of Trauma
Physical abuse.
Sexual abuse.
Emotional abuse.
Physical neglect.
Emotional neglect.
Mental illness in a family member.
Divorce.
Substance abuse in the environment.
What are the 4 main things childhood trauma deeply affects?
Experiencing a traumatic event as a child negatively impacts mental health, cognitive function, the ability to form satisfying relationships, and an individual’s sense of self-worth
time·line
a graphic representation of the passage of time as a line.
“his book, which includes political maps, timelines, and a running glossary, is the preeminent introduction to the subject”
a chronological arrangement of events in the order of their occurrence.
“the CIA’s timeline of his whereabouts has him arriving in Miami on May 28, 2001”
a schedule for when a process or procedure will be carried out.
“the committee plans to discuss a timeline for improvements to Main Street”
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