THE OBSERVATION BOOTH
OP / ED & Photo credit: Andrea Dialect
Welcome to the open session. Check out this open session by reading the notebook entries of the NOTE TO SELF of Tamika Bevel Muhammad. But before you ya get to peek into this entry of my mental journal… I spoke to my mom the other night, and she was pretty chipper when I called. She says, ” I saw you in a vision today.”
When my mother says, she saw you in a dream or sleep-wake state. one quickly ops to hold their breath. But thank goodness it wasn’t as bad as I thought when she told me she saw me riding on a greyhound bus which is pretty common when I visit the fam.
I had an outside seat, and she said that I had a head wrap on my head in an African print. She told me that something was on my mind. I was in deep thought, and my body was positioned more so in the middle of our seats, and my head was slightly resting on the shoulder of my bus companion, who was a man with graying hair, and that was that, and I’m happy for it.
As pondering my mama’s vision, I concluded that my head resting on someone else’s shoulder is pretty unheard of when it comes to Andrea Dialect. So that relays growth. Lately, I am beginning to be able to consider the thought of tying my head up, focusing on reality, and sharing my load. Woman, Sista. Girlfriend, what about you?
NOTE TO SELF
Tamika Bevel Muhammad
“Me and My Sister…October 25, 2022, was the day she left last year. Years ago, I left at eighteen in 1995. I moved in with my sister in 2017 for about a year. Things were pretty rocky then. When I moved out, we grew further apart, and I didn’t reconnect with my second heartbeat again until around twenty nineteen when I found out that she was sick. The wedge between us started when I was about seventeen. I’m forty-five now. Two spirits had separated for so long; she was my only sister.
“My sister and I became grandmothers at about the same time. One year shy of her death and we were back together again. Our bond had become stronger, and we began spending time together and truly enjoying each other’s company. The joy of watching our grandkids growing together, playing big aunties to the two, and going to church on Sundays praying together. It was heaven.
“Those Sunday prayers and our Sistahood helped us as we worked through the pain the rest of our time together after learning about my little sister’s cancer diagnosis. I think she had known all along before we rekindled our relationship. But I didn’t find out until the year before she had gone. When she passed, my whole world fell apart. I was the big sister, and I imagined us rocking our grandchildren together under a shade tree as sharing our stories; I still do! I would have never thought my sister would go before me in a million years.
“It was the Sistahood of those warrior praying women. My seven-year-old daughter who strengthened me, and the love of other caring families came to my aid. It was like a roller coaster ride. It was a feeling of emotions and things that I couldn’t describe. Going to church kept me, and I did not lose myself or my mind. People had always depended on me. I was the caregiver. I needed that help. Now I had to learn how to help myself.
“I began to shut down; I couldn’t deal with the outside world or people. I felt guilty mainly, and I was even questioning myself at the time about our periods of separation. Could it have been that our being apart was the reason for all this? The diagnosis and her death? In trying to cope with the loss of her, it was the only thing I did for those two months. I had a lot of whys for God during that time. Appreciating the time we had, and focusing on my blessing and those heart-to-heart talks with God helped me in my grieving.
“Letting it out was real life for me and to me. The acceptance process was wonderful when I listened to God and not my flesh. He is the only one that truly knew my heart. So, I listen to His voice, not my own. I’ve come to grips with reality and have forgiven myself. I’ve gained a sweet understanding in my knowing that she is gone. I’m allowing myself to quietly move on.
“When I think of my sister and our beautiful memories, my heart begins to feel happiness and love. I’m learning to consciously listen to my inner thoughts; when my body and mind start to align, It says that it is ok for me to feel the pain, the sorrow, and the grief. Lately, some of my strength has come back. That strength I prayed hard to get helped me through this dark time. Through prayer and allowing myself time, my heart is healing, and I feel better physically.
“Dear Takiya… I love you Takiya Muhammad. Your death impacted me, and honestly, I think I could handle it all by myself. If I were to maintain the position as your protector as you stand there smiling in my thoughts. But only if bottling it all up, as they say, but how long before it explodes. I am, but I am not as strong as you’d think I was. Not when it comes to this.
“I understand why we were born with two spirits. I understand how one plus one can make one. We are still one heartbeat and still one. I can feel your arms reach from the heavens. Our connection will never die. Emotionally it’s going to take some more time. I know that. I will always feel my second heartbeat. Thank God that your son and grandchild will always jumpstart my heart, and your heart shall beat with mine as one in my life forever, know that, and I’m still your protector; remember that. Even though I feel you have become mine that is fine!
“I dedicate this article to my sister Takiya, whom I shall always love!”
THE MEMORIES OF OUR CHILDHOOD
“My sister was so fragile and soft-spirited in my memories that I was her protector. Sometimes I used to wonder where my second heartbeat was? At a young age, when growing up, our relationship was ok, and we were close. Being raised by my mother and my sister’s father, who became my father. My best friend, superhero, and my protector; still today, that bond remains unbroken.
“I fondly remember us as two little girls, opposites sharing one heart. I would be asleep by seven o’clock, and she would be up all night. While she’s putting that computer together over there, I am over here cooking and watching her every move. I was the storm; she was like water, a calming flow. I remember when those girls tried to fight her, but they had to come through me. She’d been standing there in front of me since I can remember with that big smile, knowing her big sister was right there as always and had her back, even when we had our little fights. Everybody knew that there was no Tamika without saying Takiya. Life was like a beautiful giant tree.
“Our relationship became distant during my preteens, around 13-16 years. But our love for each other was still strong. At that time, I began to understand my strong personality, character, and individuality. When I rebelled like a normal teenager. My mother would say that my sister and I were like night and day, and in my little mind, I used to always ask myself why.
“Still, because of my personality and rebellious attitude, I ignored it and would respond by saying we are the same. I went through hell at the time, but God knew what he was doing. Back then, unconsciously, it was part of the master plan; I’m not sure about whose plan all that hell was, his or mine. Honestly, mine if I take responsibility, but I just realize that the lessons that I went through at this age, I’m forty-six now, assure me that God is in charge, not me, and always has been, even though the flesh tries to get the best of me 80% percent of the time.
“Eventually, my sister and I’s relationship grew apart, but the love was still there. I was still sweet in my own way, but I had become that wild child. Around seventeen, eighteen, that’s when I thought I knew it all. I was trying to be grown but wasn’t entirely. I needed to understand discipline and responsibility. At the same time, my sister is still so fragile and continues to have that gentle spirit. Once again, that yin and yang scenario played itself out. Unconsciously I literally had convinced myself in my little girl’s mind that two women could not stay in the same house. But I fooled myself. I thought I was so grown up Lol. That’s when that hit really comes. Then our spirits separated.
“Then I moved to Texas for almost 2 years. I went to stay with my Auntie Joy Moore, my number one mentor, who could/can straighten me out. Most people at the time couldn’t take my challenging attitude. When I returned to Jersey, it was with my firstborn. When I saw her, I noticed that my sister’s spirit had become stronger but still soft. We had become our own individuals; we were women.
“I still couldn’t understand why our spirits were so different when we had come from the same mother and even though my biological father was not the man that raised me as discovered. A good one did, and he raised me as his own. You cannot tell that man that I am not his. The famous Paw Paw, My dude, even when he makes me mad. When I became a mother, it dawned on me, when I became a mother that God was molding me and prepping me to take my place as a real big sister and the nurturing mother that I have become today to my three uniquely different children, other people’s kids, and my patients. My calling is to help and touch people, and as long as my heart beats, I will!”
DID YA KNOW THAT…
They always tell the truth, honor each other, and love each other like sisters. We are so excited to have this space where we can share, encourage one another, or even use this space to vent (in a healthy of course). – Urban Dictionary
The Observation Booth is utilized as a space for development for Andrea Dialect and often features and subjects or as a peek into one’s world from the outside. For Andrea, everything printed here is in draft form. Her mantra is that everything is constantly evolving. Seeing the work in printed format is the initial step before. Like everything Andrea Dialect, this article is a test lab and test subjects. It is a platform for the growth, inspiration, motivation, and development of herself, her subjects, and her readers. Enjoy!
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