THE OBSERVATION BOOTH
OP / ED BY ANDREA DIALECT
Elicka Stokes (Motivational Speaker & Life Coach)
www.honestehealing.com
The difference between a life coach and a therapist is: Coaches focus on the future, while therapists probe the past!
Mental health awareness is the ongoing effort to reduce the stigma around mental illness and mental health conditions by sharing our personal experiences. Often, because of misconceptions about mental health and mental fitness, people often suffer in silence, and their conditions go untreated.
www.honeste plus the healing.com was my inspiration for the intro and the title of this draft, in all honesty, lol. It felt good to sit on that imaginary couch, coach to coach, sharing and gaining insight. The exchange was uplifting and quite informative; thus, I felt that “Honesty Being The Best Policy,” as a lead-in, was quite befitting.
In today’s climate, we are peering into a world that, in many ways, has become unidentifiable. Call it culture shock or whatever name you want, but when it comes to our sanity, it is truly beneficial to have a few empathetic listening ears on standby if the need arises. We are communal beings. Thus, we need one another’s support to make the necessary adjustments to the new world trends and the normal that we are adapting to that’s entirely new – which includes those that we gladly accept with open arms as well as the ones thrust upon us.
In times like these, it pays to have someone to help carry the load, and when there is no one available, and we need such help, it pays to pay and get what you need for your sanity. Take a peek into reality but go there honestly. But pay for it if you must. That’s what Coach Elicka’s story is all about mind stuff and paid services, enjoy!
HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
Life Coach Elicka: Our kickstart will be my journey regarding everything that I do and everything that I am because my self-care and mental health depend upon it. I was talking to somebody recently and said, “You’re probably going to laugh, but ‘I feel as if I just discovered that I have feelings around four years ago.” And they were like, “What?”
I then mentioned how you go through life sometimes, and you grow up in certain environments, and you go through certain things, and you see other people go through certain things, and you make a stand, and you say, “absolutely not!” Especially when you grow up in a masculine environment as a woman, you unintentionally pick up that masculine energy and operate through life in that way. So dating was a challenge because I felt they couldn’t do anything to me because I would not tolerate it.
At that point, you’re operating in that masculine energy. But, once you start your healing process. You go in and start balancing things out, and as you start becoming the teacher and the student, you say, wait a minute because you realize that I do feel and I do care a little bit more now. That is why I’ve always been more overprotective of myself just because I do care and have these feelings, and I didn’t know much about those feelings that I was pushing back or to the side. Now I’m more open to saying I care and I do have these feelings, so please don’t come over here if… Then it’s’ No!
My true beginnings started when Covid happened, and that’s when God told me to move, and when God says move, you gotta move. Originally, I started out making masks and sending them to hospitals and sending them wherever there was a need, and then Covid became a big thing where everybody needed one. During that challenging time, I noticed that people didn’t know how to sit with their thoughts. Most couldn’t cope with the things they had done or those done to them. You start seeing a lot of mental illness when you get to that point.
During that time, those unhealthy behaviors and many other issues began to come out in the open because Covid forced that awareness. Covid was a trigger that forced us to sit with ourselves.
Most people don’t know how to deal with their emotions: The only emotion that 70-80 percent of people know how to deal with is the emotion of anger. Once you feel that emotion, it’s just a reaction, and you notice it more and more. Then you have people like you and me, Andrea, who feel their purpose in life is to be a motivator, help, heal, and guide. When Covid came, I knew it was my time to move and not just sit around and do nothing. That’s when I pushed harder because I felt that, at that time, people needed me most. But now, it’s a real battle for people dealing with these behaviors and life battles. Many of our light workers are becoming overwhelmed.
Sadly, some have resorted to ending their own lives because the increase of depression overtakes them, suicides, etc., which is too much for them, and it’s heartbreaking. So now, as I see specific articles and read about certain things or hear about certain things, I’m more focused and open to that help than ever before because that helps me as a person and helps me help us as a coach. We are at war, all of us, and sometimes it may feel like your light is getting dimmer and dimmer because of this huge undertaking, and more so if there’s a lack of support.
Support is crucial, and many don’t have access to that. Finding a tribe is to find someone who is a reflection of you or better. It is essential to know who your tribe is; more importantly, knowing who you are. People say, “I’m tired of doing the most in this relationship.” In your tribe, you’re never tired because even if you are tired, they pour into you without you having to ask. Those people are a reflection of you.
When you find those types of people, you appreciate them. We often stick to thinking or caring for those who aren’t filling our cups. But we become accustomed to being the helper or the healer to those who need us instead of those pouring into us and that’s where the disconnect comes in.
I wholeheartedly thank God for my tribe, and I am thankful for the people that he sent into my life to be my tribe, a reminder, and to be my reflection. I’m also grateful and proud of myself because, knowingly, I am in a space where I don’t hold on to people, places, and things that are detrimental to me, my mental health, or my energy. You have to get to that place, and sometimes it looks selfish and evil; sometimes, that’s how it seems to others, but it’s about how it feels to you.
HONESTY AND MENTAL HEALTH
I love life coaching, business, self-care, and self-love. But my coaching caters more to mental health. Most of my clients come to me by word of mouth, and that client base is mainly women. But actually, I am proud of how many men are starting to reach out more. Ironically most of us can talk candidly about other people’s lives but cannot express ourselves regarding our own.
For some reason, I remember always finding myself at the right place at the right time, supporting people in that process, and I was able to understand through my own journey or inner standing what others’ struggles were even more. So, I thought let me start digging deeper by doing a little research. That research was a big part of my process and going to school.
Now I realize that all the trials and tribulations that I, at one point, was stressing over were what I needed to go through to help others as part of my purpose. I realized that once you start doing more self-love and self-care, you find out who you truly are. Mental health, self-care, and self-love that’s my focus; that’s Elicka, yes that’s me.
Often, I’m asked how I got into coaching. Many also misinterpret this profession basically as giving advice. Oh no, I’m not simply giving advice. If you were behind the scenes, you’d see how much reading and the different courses and classes I have to sign up for and attend to stay in the know and keep fueling myself; you’d also understand; Even when life coaching or helping others, we are still dealing with our things in our own lives, and that’s always hard to dictate.
I am also often asked why I practice meditation. Truthfully opening yourself to others can be a huge undertaking. Also, being empathic, you take on other people’s energy and what they feel, sometimes even to a greater extent. For me, it’s imperative to meditate to offset those challenges and to know the difference between my stuff and the client’s stuff.
We are living in strange time’s right now, which can be challenging. When it comes to life, there has to be a balance, and you have to know who you can and can’t be because sometimes, too much of anything is too much. In many instances depending on what or whom I’m working with, my approach can mean that sometimes I go with the other person’s love language. I know when I need to be more understanding, and then there are times when I’ll say, okay, this is not working, so I have to be more aggressive and operate more from my masculine side. Sometimes I want to use that feminine energy with certain people, but it just doesn’t work, and I have to know the difference.
BE HONEST
Being a mom with sons, especially one that’s getting older now has given me a different and deeper understanding and inner standing. I find him shying away from his feelings sometimes, and I must constantly remind him. Hey, it’s okay to feel; it’s okay to feel how you feel. Now that I’m older, I think of men I would possibly date who were raised and taught to hold everything in. You can’t cry, boys don’t cry, and men don’t cry. I’m expected to break that barrier.
Now I’m thinking, holy crap; you must heal and deal with that stuff on your own before you start dating. I don’t want that for my sons. I don’t want my boys to be that person. But here’s where that balance is needed. Because it’s almost like being in this position; showing emotion or not showing it can be detrimental because people tend to judge you a little bit more, and that’s where I see my growth more so.
It took me a long time to get an understanding when it came to other people. Before I became a life coach, I cared so much that their problem became my problem. It took me a while to become a life coach and find my purpose. Getting to a point where I could understand, but knowingly, I didn’t need to absorb all that came with them. Even now, people will judge you regardless, and I respect those feelings, but I’m okay if we disagree.
We often go through life pretty well by ourselves, but when you have to share that experience, it can be pretty scary. Perhaps the thought might be that I worked hard on myself. I worked hard for what I have, and I wonder if you’re coming to get what I have and take that away. Because once you know what it’s like to lose and gain it back, it is even worse. Or you did get through life quite well by yourself, and when it’s time for someone else to come in, we’re opposed to it, so again, it’s No. You never know how damaged you are until someone’s trying to love you. Faith versus fear becomes such a battle.
You know you love God, operate in God, and believe in those things, but having that faith when it comes to trusting others again, especially in a romantic sense, can be hard. So it’s imperative that we not only give people a chance but also give life a chance. When it comes to operating in negativity or making a conscious choice not to act in such a way, we must be clear in our decision-making. One must understand that there are so many other places you can be beside in a dark space, and we must choose something different. When it comes to other people becoming that darkness in your life, there must be accountability and boundaries.
You also have to be like water. You have to be so much like the water that even when you see the signs or have that shift; you become what you need to be because you understand the meaning of that shift; So, if that person is a narcissist or this or that you no longer care so much and you don’t think that you can help them sometimes and you aren’t hurting yourself. Sometimes you have to be very stern in your cut-off. But you also must know when to cut a person off and when not to.
Depending on what it is, those challenges may be developing self-love for some people; for others, it’s relationships, childhood traumas, some, body image, or whatever else. Initially, once my clients go through with the booking. We get into being honest with ourselves, that’s number one. Learning how to have the courage to feel or admit by acknowledging that they did not feel like themselves or that something was off. Makes it all about that acceptance. Because once you accept a thing, you have a better understanding of getting beyond that thing and get going somewhere.
Number two is all about what path you want to take. For instance, if you need to get to the gym, you want to lose weight. You know you have to work out. You know what to do, but getting to the gym is the hard part. Once you get to the gym, you’ll do the workout that needs to get done. But you have to get there. It’s the same thing with your mental health.
I always tell my clients that once you acknowledge and accept their reality. You are on the path to bettering yourself. I’m all about getting them on that path and helping them stay on that path, and that’s what HonesteHealing is all about!
DID YA KNOW THAT…
Mental Health Awareness Month has been observed in May in the United States since 1949. The month is observed with media, local events, and film screenings. Mental Health Awareness Month began in the United States in 1949 and was started by the Mental Health America organization.
Life coaches identify and describe current problematic behaviors so the client can work to modify them. Therapists analyze their client’s past as a tool for understanding present behaviors. In other words, therapists focus on “why” certain behavioral patterns occur, and coaches work on “how” to work toward a goal. In coaching, the client and coach are partners. In therapy, the therapist is the expert. A coach is catalytic, while a therapist is nurturing. (www.naturalhealers.com)
I’m often asked, “How did you get into all of this?” There are those that consider my being a COACH as a person that gives advice. Oh, no I’m not just giving advice there are so many layers and requirements to coaching if you’re going to do this correctly as it should be done. But that’s not always easy to dictate! – Erika
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