THE OBSERVATION BOOTH
OP-ED BY ANDREA DIALECT
You must participate in your healing, if you don’t you fall apart. Healing doesn’t drop down like manna from heaven; you have to actively work for it!
- Beverly Henderson (Former Executive Director of Echoes Grief Center)
BOW DOWN!
“That is how it reads in my book “Quiet….”
“Death happens, whether we’ve heard about it through the grapevine or zoomed in on it on the front page of the local newspaper or the evening news; its sting, someone else’s today; perhaps tomorrow our own. Unfortunately, there isn’t an exempt clause on anyone’s birth certificate.
“Death is a part of everyday life. So, logically where there is death, surely there will be grief. Sleeplessness, listlessness, social withdrawal, and loss of appetite are just a few of the normal symptoms associated with grief. Coupled with those symptoms are those of physical, mental, and emotional nature. Each is a change that has an effect when grieving the loss of a loved one. Grievously, many of those changes in-which may or may not be apparent.” (End of quote)
I had the opportunity to interview the amazing Ms. Henderson many years ago. After Covid came through and all that it dragged along with it, once again, I found grief to be a worthy subject. Luckily, I was able to connect with Beverly when I reached out. But it wasn’t Beverly Henderson on the end of that line, it was Beverly Canady, who in which informed me of Mrs. Henderson’s retirement. There had been the changing of the guard and I was saddened by her journey’s next chapter. Thus, one of my catchphrases is relevant here in regard to people of such caliber. When he or she goes, everything that they are to us goes with them!
Mrs. Beverly Henderson is the ideal candidate to kick off “Bow Down!” The latest addition for the subtopic category for the page. Join me in this sacred ritual as I extend my arms way high while bending as I bow down low to pay homage to Mrs. Beverly Henderson. The former Executive of Echoes Grief Center, the award-winning registered nurse who has held the positions of Director of the 100 Black Men of New Jersey and as President and Chair of the Board for Healthy Mothers / Healthy Babies of Essex, Inc. and as a member of the advisory board on the Blue Ribbon Panel on Infant and Mortality. What a mouthful; undoubtedly, she is greatly missed!
VILLAGE COUNCIL
Beverly Canady (MA, LPC, ACS)
Echoes Grief Center: Co-Director
“I met Beverly Henderson around the time that she was about to retire, and she offered me the opportunity to learn about grief counseling as a practice. Once finalizing her leave, she introduced me to Mr. and Mrs. Cotton and that’s how I ended up being Co-Director alongside Ms. Sharlene Mason-Reese (MSW, LCSW).
Mr. Macon T. Cotton Jr. of Cotton’s Funeral Home in Orange, New Jersey, could identify with his clients’ needs firsthand. He clearly understood that families needed support after the death of a loved one. So, after researching and finding none of its kind, Echoes, Inc. was founded. “Echoes” is a grief counseling, and support outreach program. Its services are provided free of charge and are provided to anyone in need of such help.
Our mission is to address the needs of those experiencing grief by providing information pertaining to their specific loss. Our goal is also to educate.
Grief and loss and its effects on children 4 on up to a person 100 plus are our focus here. We help people get through the grief process. Because you can’t go under it, and you can’t go over it. We Service people throughout the state of New Jersey and the United States via Zoom. Here at Echoes, we service a diverse population. We serve all races and all cultures. Death, grief, and our service have nothing to do with color or economic status. It’s a pain that we all go through. It’s about how we deal with it, or how we learn to deal with it.
When entering the room be it in person or when utilizing Zoom. During the session initially, the first question I ask is: “What brings you here? I never want to assume that someone’s ready to talk about a loss. The next question I ask is, where you are in the process? Then I’d ask, “What was the first time as a child that you’ve encountered the loss of someone in your family?
We’re dealing with a lot of core beliefs. So, this makes that a very important question. You want to know what they have learned in their family about death. Are they adopting those same rituals, where you go to the repast and we don’t talk about it, or are they going to have conversations? What are their religious beliefs about loss?
That gives me an idea about what we’re working with from their upbringing to where they are now. When they come to the table you never want to make assumptions and you can’t tell people how to deal with it. You want them to find it for themselves. One of the most important questions introduced is, “What is your superpower so that you can get through this? Because only they know that place of strength. My job is to remind them of it.
We also discuss what they are doing in other parts of their lives because grief will have an effect on all parts of it, i.e.: What do you do for fun? Whose is part of your support system? How do you relax? Do you have a self-care plan? Who can you go to? Oftentimes the first session is all about them expressing themselves because they need to talk. If I were to talk too much, I would likely be pushing the client out.
A lot of times when seeking out help from others, many don’t understand that clichés usually don’t help (we know that God may know best but at the time that’s not what they want to hear!) Especially when at the time most are angry with God anyway.
To answer your question Andrea, yes, we service men; too about 20 percent of our clients are male, I’ll say it’s about 10 percent children and adolescents and about 70 percent women. We also get married couples who work at it together and families that come together. One family member comes and eventually in comes the others.
As a professional, I normally don’t cry during my sessions, but I give them the space to cry. For instance, many of our men find Echoes to be a safe place for them. One of the things I say particularly to our men is I thank you for allowing me to be present. Because I know it’s hard and you don’t know me, but I hope that I’ve made it a safe space so that you can release some of those emotions that the world doesn’t allow you to shed because you are a man.
As far as my own mental health goes, I have routines that I use to keep myself balanced so I avoid overload. Some of m my coping rituals are walking every morning, I listen to gospel music, I journal and that’s about it. Most importantly I try to leave what anyone gives to me there in that place. I put it down because I never want to get their stuff confused with my own. Meaning I compartmentalize as much as possible. I don’t want to take your stuff home or vice versa. It’s left at the door so when you enter my session, I am there for you.
When supporting our, loved ones or friends, or anyone else through those hard times. It is best to ask yourself how you would want somebody to approach you? Often people just need you to be there. You don’t have to say anything, let them be. Sometimes we talk because we get nervous; try to temper that. The time will come that they will thank you for it believe me. Simply just be who you are. Just be there and just listen. You can’t bring the person that they’ve lost back but. you can be there to buffer that loss.
Lastly, be certain to be there for you too by considering your own mortality. Be there for yourself and get your house in order. Be sure to listen to yourself when it comes to all that death entails. Be present meaning be aware of your own mortality. Getting your house in order means being prepared physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. Your preparedness will greatly alleviate the grieving process for those that are left behind. Below I’ve listed resources that may be of use.
If you or yours are grieving and you are in need of help, just remember that “Echoes” can be that place of comfort!
- Echoes Grief Center 973.675.1199
- Refuge in Grief – www.refugeingrief.com
- Newark Street Team – mauryncst@gmail.com
- Imagine 908.264.3100
- Crime of Victimization – 877.658.2221
