Legally Speaking by Cassandra Savoy, Esq. OP/ED
Beginning in March 2020, as COVID-19 cases surged, stay-at-home orders were put in place. Schools closed, and many workers were laid off, or told to work from home. The pandemic caused housing instability, food instability, economic worries, home schooling all stressors which increase the likelihood of domestic violence.
Stay-at-home orders, intended to protect the public and prevent widespread infection, left many people, mostly women and children trapped in their homes with their abusers. COVID-19 has enabled people who abuse their intimate partners to use power and control tactics such as isolation, coercion, and threats, in new and chilling ways to prevent domestic violence survivors from seeking help to escape abuse.
By the way, the new, more “sophisticated” name for domestic violence, a.k.a., getting the hell beat out of you is “intimate partner violence.” I know this is true by the sheer number of DV cases that have come to my office within the past eight months. So, what to do?
Experts have reached a consensus on several common characteristics among batterers. Abusers are controlling, manipulative, and believe that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship. For some abusers, violence is a tool to keep their intimate partner from leaving the relationship or keeping them from being unfaithful, even if it means physically forcing her to stay.
What I always wonder is why women stay, and it is mostly women, but not always. I represented a woman who had been beaten badly. Her eyes were swollen shut. Her lip was busted. Her face was badly bruised. After she had begun to heal about two weeks later, she came into my office and I barely recognized her. I had managed to obtain a temporary restraining order for her using photos and the police report.
Before we could get to court for the final restraining order, he showed up at her door. She called me at 10:00 PM on a Saturday night. I screamed into the phone, “Call the police.” She said, “But he touched my breast. I am going to let him in so we can talk!”
Experts tell us that abused women often have low self-esteem. They feel they will be harmed if they leave. Their partner still loves them; they are the blame for the abuse; their children need their father. The abused harbor feelings of isolation, and loneliness. The two big reasons are believing their partner will change, and lack of money, job, means to survive alone.
So, what to do? Well, of course, get a final restraining order. But, at the end of the day, a restraining order is a piece of paper. A piece of paper, even one with legal import, might be good for the prosecutor to use when he throws the book at your abuser, but of little value to you as you recuperate from your injuries. You have got to find the courage to get out! And you can get out even if your abuser is a powerful person in your community.
The experts tell us that intimate partner violence always goes from bad to worse. First, it’s yelling and belittling you. Next its shoving. Then, its slapping, and who knows where it goes from there. You can’t continue to allow him to either knock your head off, or threaten to knock your head off, or cause you to otherwise live in mortal fear every second of your life. You really must make a safety plan before a crisis occurs and before you decide to leave.
1. Find someone you trust. Give them extra keys, important papers, clothing so that you can leave quickly.
2. Try to save some money. Leave it with the friend.
3. Teach our children to call 911, a friend, or a neighbor. Tell them if there are weapons in the home.
4. Devise a code word or signal so you can tell your children or neighbors that you need them to call the police.
5. Know where you are going. Have an escape route. Find a list of shelters and support groups in your area if you don’t have a friend or relative who is able to take you in temporarily. If you don’t know where you are going, you are more likely to return to the abuser.
6. This is what you will need when you leave:
· Driver’s license
· Birth certificates: yours and your children’s
· Money, checkbook, credit cards, ATM cards, car title
· Social security card, work permit, green card, passport
· Insurance papers and medical records
· Lease, rental agreement and/or house deed
· School and health records
· Keys: house, car, friend’s
· Medications, glasses, hearing aids, for you and the children
· Address book
· A toy for each child.
If you are concerned about your immigration status, fear not. you may qualify to obtain status independent of your partner under the Violence Against Women’s Act. There are a number of services like the Catholic Archdiocese Immigration Service or Legal Services of New Jersey who can help you find out if you qualify under the act.
