Legally Speaking by Cassandra Savoy, Esq. OP/ED
If you are about to go through a divorce, know that getting a divorce is incredibly stressful at the beginning and could get worse if you do the wrong thing! There are things you should and should not do to reduce the stress not only for yourself, but for your children, and to make the process proceed more calmly.
Do make sure you ACTUALLY want a divorce!
The decision to get a divorce is an emotional one and should not be made lightly or while you are in the throes of extreme emotion. Before you file…
· Do make sure that you have completely ruled out reconciling with your spouse.
· Do make sure you have spoken with your spiritual advisor(s).
· Do make sure you have met with a marriage counselor.
Remember what filing for divorce will do and will not do. Filing for divorce will not “straighten him out!” Filing for divorce will not make her behave differently; nor will filing for divorce compel him to focus on your marriage and his children. Once you file the divorce and your spouse is served, taking it back may be difficult. You may change your mind, but he may not change his!
Don’t take it out on your children!
Regardless of the hurt and anxiety that you feel, your children need to know that you love them. Children often feel like the divorce is their fault so you will not want them to carry this guilt, and you will want them to have a warm, supportive environment.
· Don’t discuss your marital problems with the children. They should not become your sounding board.
· Don’t use parenting time or child support as bargaining chips in the negotiations. Your children still have to eat, and they remain your responsibility. They still want and need your love.
· Don’t disparage the other parent or the other parent’s new relationships. Use the time you have with the children to learn about what is going on in their lives and to get to know them.
· Do refocus your energy on helping with homework, attend their school and after-school events, make sure you remain an active part in their lives.
· Do relax and enjoy them so they can relax and enjoy you. They will feel less stress and realize how much they love you.
Do gather financial documents.
Divorces deal with two things, what will happen to the children, and how will we equitably divide martial assets and liabilities. You will need financial records.
· Do make copies of all your financial records before you file: phone records, mortgages, car notes, credit card and investment statements, wills, trusts, deeds, insurance policies, pension statements, and tax returns for the past three years.
· Do obtain records of accounts you share with your spouse.
· Do go online and download or print records for at least the two prior years.
· Don’t assume that your spouse will produce all of the records you need
Some spouses do not respond well to being served with a divorce complaint, and it can be a real headache getting documents and information after you file.
Don’t take divorce advice from family and friends.
Friends and family want to be supportive and comforting during this stressful time; they want to share their experiences and give you an idea of what to expect. The outcome of the divorce is based on the facts and circumstances of each case. What was relevant in your friend’s case may not be relevant in your case. The law may have changed. More importantly…
· Do let your friends and relatives provide emotional support for you.
· Don’t let them provide legal or financial advice regarding your divorce.
· Do get outside, objective opinions on how you handle the legal and emotional aspects of your divorce. Get a good lawyer to help you handle the legal aspects of the divorce.
· Do see a good therapist or counselor to help you handle the emotional issues. And, once you do, listen to the advice.
· Don’t disregard them just because what they say is not what you want to hear.
Do take a look at social media.
There is Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat and a dozen other platforms where people expose their innermost thoughts and feelings. You will want to use all social media sparingly.
· Do delete any photo, negative post and online arguments that might prove embarrassing in the future.
· Do review your “friends” lists and remove anyone you think might either spy for your spouse or add drama to your divorce.
· Do make your account private and change your passwords.
· Don’t use social media to brag about a “win” or to bash your spouse on your Facebook wall. To boast or to bash can only increase the tensions between you, family and friends.
· Don’t boast about how great your life is now that your spouse is out of your life. Remember, social media is essentially open to the public. The last thing that you want is for your children or a potential employer to become a party to your divorce.
· Do think before you post. If you want to tell someone about the divorce proceedings, telephone them, don’t use social media.
· Try to get your spouse to agree to use these platforms with discretion.
Mediation Do’s and Don’ts
Mediation is the best way to reduce the stress of the divorce process. It works best when both parties think about their interests rather than their positions, and the parties understand that to mediate is to find the “Art of the Deal.”
· Do offer something in return for something else. When parties negotiate, they trade. You trade something a value to you for something of value to the other party.
· Do make an effort to meet your spouse half-way. The Art of the Deal is really another way of saying “Compromise.”
· Don’t focus on the areas of disagreement. Shift your focus to the areas where you agree first. Don’t make absolute statements like, “It’s either my way or no way!”
Don’t trigger your spouse’s emotions by brings past arguments to the mediation. At some point, you will have to let “yesterday” go in order to start building tomorrow.
