THE OBSERVATION BOOTH
OP / ED & PHOTO CREDITS ANDREA DIALECT
“I don’t give a dang what Tom, Dick or Harry is doing. This is what you ain’t gonna do. This is my house.”
That was my favorite part, perhaps because so many grown folk that are now parenting can use the script. That was James Edward Pate – sharp-tongued, hard-working, and uncompromising. A man who raised his children with precision and pride. He didn’t do soft, but you never had to question if he loved you.
His presence filled a room even when he said nothing. That’s what she said. She being one of my neighbors “Roxanne” Ginger’s mom lol. Ginger happens to be her little dog. That’s how we met. Finally I get to tell ya this is the grand finale for commendation for Father’s Day that I’d been talking about. Enjoy – and while your at it …
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REMINISCENT OF YOU
My father, he did what he had to do. He told you, “I don’t give a dang what Tom, Dick or Harry is doing—this is what you ain’t gonna do. This is my house. This is my house.”
That’s what I remember. But he said so much more.
He used to say, “If you don’t like what’s going on in this house, that doorknob goes two ways. Let it hit ya.”
I’d laugh, “Daddy, you can’t say that.”
He’d say, “You’re not gonna dictate to me what you’re gonna do or not gonna do. Or what I should do. I get up, I go to work, I come home.”
He told my brothers, “Have yourself here when I get home.”
Every day. 4:30 p.m., the latest.
I’d say, “What’s so hard about being home by 4:30?”
Still, they’d get in trouble. All. The. Time.
Now, with me—it was different. They said I was his pet. His favorite. I was the first to leave the house, the first to have a grandchild. When I got pregnant, he barely spoke to me through most of it. He was hurt, disappointed, but he never said it. I was in my twenties and had moved into the apartment right upstairs from my parents.
I needed it painted—he painted it.
I needed a TV—he bought it.
My mother was mad, “You done got her a damn color TV and we sitting up here watching black and white!” But Daddy? Daddy came up to my apartment every day after work and watched his shows. Fell asleep on my couch. Ate in my kitchen. That was his way of being present.
When my daughter was born, he told me, “I’ll take her around to the family when she’s six months. Then she’ll look like somebody.”
That was his humor. Because we always said newborns look like little old men until they grow into their faces.
And when the cancer came, it came fast.
We saw the commercial—”Cancer Treatment Centers of America.” My mother made the call. They had one in Zion, Illinois. They flew him out. He was already Stage 4 by then. Shoes too big. Feet shrinking. Not eating much. Couldn’t taste food anymore.
He stopped talking to me. I didn’t know he was still talking to my older siblings. That made me mad. Made me feel left out. When my sister called and said, “Daddy’s turning,” I said, “We gotta go!” But we were too late. We were literally packing, curling our hair, ready to get to the airport—and the phone rang. My little sister answered. She didn’t even have to say it. I knew. That was the call.
Daddy was gone.
I was angry at him for a whole year.
Angry he didn’t wait.
Angry I didn’t get to say goodbye.
That Christmas Eve—exactly one year later—I went to the cemetery with my daughter and our dog. I stood at his grave and said:
“Daddy, I’ve been mad at you for a whole year. You never said goodbye. Do something. Lift a shade. Knock. Show me you’re here.”
Later that night, back home, I was with my sisters wrapping gifts. All the window shades were down. Except the one I couldn’t see from where I sat. Something said, “Get up.” I stood, walked to the other room—and there it was. The shade was raised. Exactly how Daddy used to raise all the shades every morning. About four inches. His signature. His message.
I screamed, “Daddy was here!”
They thought I was crazy—until my daughter said, “She asked him. She asked him to do it.”
I knew he had come to say goodbye.
Even now, I feel his presence. Sometimes it’s a chill. Sometimes it’s a warmth. It’s in the quiet moments when I remember how he always came through. How he taught me:
A good liar has to have a good memory.
He caught me in a lie once. I had done about 11 wrong things, and I called him to save me from the beating for the 12th. He only asked me about the one thing I had actually lied about. I said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
And he looked at me and said,
“A good liar better have a good memory.”
That one stuck. I say it to my daughter now.
That’s what stays. The sayings. The shade. The silence.
His love lived loud—but quiet, too.
His name was James Edward Pate.
And this—this is my story.
DID YOU KNOW….
Men often express love through actions and behaviors that demonstrate care, support, and commitment, rather than solely through words. These actions can include physical affection, acts of service, quality time, and offering support and encouragement.
Here’s a more detailed look:
- Physical Touch: Men may express love through physical touch like hugging, kissing, holding hands, or cuddling.
- Acts of Service: This can involve doing things for their partner, such as helping with chores, running errands, or taking care of them when they’re sick.
- Spending Quality Time: Men may show love by prioritizing spending time with their partner, engaging in shared activities, or simply enjoying quiet moments together.
- Providing Support and Encouragement: This could involve offering advice, being a source of emotional support, or helping their partner pursue their goals.
- Thoughtful Gestures: Men may also show love through thoughtful gestures like buying gifts, remembering important dates, or doing something special for their partner.
- Verbal Affirmation: While some men might not be as vocal about their feelings, others may express love through compliments, praise, and saying “I love you”.
- Prioritizing and Respect: Men may also show love by prioritizing their partner, respecting their values and goals, and being attentive to their needs.
Ultimately, the way a man expresses love can vary, but it often involves a combination of these actions and behaviors that demonstrate their care, commitment, and affection
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